hmm... recently had been really down... lotsa emo breakdown... dunno why... since all's happening around me, i must be the root of those problem... not sure why, but i'm getting a lot of fear... fear of losing... hmm... i muz be crazy i guess... maybe i should go see some doc... hmm... but the fear is so real... n whenever i hurt someone, the pain is even greater... maybe i am seeking for attention.. maybe.. i dunno... i am sick? hah~

feel very lonely inside my heart. hmm... no idea why. feel as if i am a robot. haha.. no feeling? well.. not that no feeling juz that no character? well, jus feel very unme. environment do shape ppl. feel that i am really losing sight of myself as i grow older. hmm.. a lot of things jus gotta give up.. the tot of enjoying youth somehow seem so far with the many roles and responsibilities which force me to abandon all the great fun out there. i do wish to go clubbin like any other 20 yrs old gal (*hmph, i am still 19), go beach to suntan in some skimpy suit, play some beach volley ball, go dance para para as if i am still 16, 17... i only learn how to play at a very old age.. n now, i have to jus say bye to them... made me kinda rebellion..

i feel like any tame animal, the tighter u hold, the more i struggle; if u dun hold me, i will feel that i'm losing you and stay close... sometimes i feel like a wild animal when i am angry.. can go really horrible... most of the time i feel like a flower.. not jus any potted flower which ppl take care, but those in the wild and "dancing" (i was trying to say being forced to sway haha...)with the wind... with no control over its own desired direction and gotta be manupulate by the wind.. hmm... when the wind gets nasty, its stem will break, or even get uprooted and there it goes.. totally crumpled... maybe will become like the mimosa, closing itself to the rest of the world.. jus to protect itself, be defensive and assure itself of that v minute bit of security.. when the sun and rain jus shower on that "living dead" w care again, there it is, "dancing happily" with the wind. LIFE~ there's certainly something better in there...

argh~! sometimes, feel that those "responsibilities" act as some heavy rock pulling me down the cliff.. i can fight against it only if i am stronger than the gravity guy... that kinda struggle makes me real frustrated yet cant show it.. n started piling and piling until the volcano (remind me of the pri sch exp... haha... addin soda to vinegar for that eruption effect lol! WARNING! DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME WITHOUT PARENTAL GUIDANCE) blows its top away... sick! there i am, hurting ppl again... BUT! why! why do i have to bother about others so much so much so that i am neglecting my own desire? why do i have to give up something for another? hmm... but if i dun, i dun real bad... hmm... who am i? am i a nice person, or someone who pretended to be nice jus to avoid those guilts that i get aftermath? who am i?! hmm...

see.. i am losing myself again.. omg! hmm... well... guess anything, everything, jus gotta accept myself for who i am.. well... suddenly rmb this phrase which i learn from tv... one must love himself for if the rest of the world doesn't, there is still one person who loves him... so.. i mus love myself! haha... but seriously, if it's vice versa, i wun wanna it... so wad if ppl loves u? if u dun love urself, u'll be v v v v v v sad... wad a torture~! hmm... jus gonna stay happy.. where's that carefree me?! dead? i think so... now i am a worrier.. dumb one... sian~

if ur school work collapses, you can always retake.
if ur business fails, you can always re-try.
but if u fail ur life, there's never a 2nd time.

so play hard when young, work hard in middle age and relax hard when old... no more turning back... my greatest regret in my life till now... is not having to enjoy myself to the fullest in those uniform days..

cheers

hmm... recently had been really down... lotsa emo breakdown... dunno why... since all's happening around me, i must be the root of those problem... not sure why, but i'm getting a lot of fear... fear of losing... hmm... i muz be crazy i guess... maybe i should go see some doc... hmm... but the fear is so real... n whenever i hurt someone, the pain is even greater... maybe i am seeking for attention.. maybe.. i dunno... i am sick? hah~

feel very lonely inside my heart. hmm... no idea why. feel as if i am a robot. haha.. no feeling? well.. not that no feeling juz that no character? well, jus feel very unme. environment do shape ppl. feel that i am really losing sight of myself as i grow older. hmm.. a lot of things jus gotta give up.. the tot of enjoying youth somehow seem so far with the many roles and responsibilities which force me to abandon all the great fun out there. i do wish to go clubbin like any other 20 yrs old gal (*hmph, i am still 19), go beach to suntan in some skimpy suit, play some beach volley ball, go dance para para as if i am still 16, 17... i only learn how to play at a very old age.. n now, i have to jus say bye to them... made me kinda rebellion..

i feel like any tame animal, the tighter u hold, the more i struggle; if u dun hold me, i will feel that i'm losing you and stay close... sometimes i feel like a wild animal when i am angry.. can go really horrible... most of the time i feel like a flower.. not jus any potted flower which ppl take care, but those in the wild and "dancing" (i was trying to say being forced to sway haha...)with the wind... with no control over its own desired direction and gotta be manupulate by the wind.. hmm... when the wind gets nasty, its stem will break, or even get uprooted and there it goes.. totally crumpled... maybe will become like the mimosa, closing itself to the rest of the world.. jus to protect itself, be defensive and assure itself of that v minute bit of security.. when the sun and rain jus shower on that "living dead" w care again, there it is, "dancing happily" with the wind. LIFE~ there's certainly something better in there...

argh~! sometimes, feel that those "responsibilities" act as some heavy rock pulling me down the cliff.. i can fight against it only if i am stronger than the gravity guy... that kinda struggle makes me real frustrated yet cant show it.. n started piling and piling until the volcano (remind me of the pri sch exp... haha... addin soda to vinegar for that eruption effect lol! WARNING! DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME WITHOUT PARENTAL GUIDANCE) blows its top away... sick! there i am, hurting ppl again... BUT! why! why do i have to bother about others so much so much so that i am neglecting my own desire? why do i have to give up something for another? hmm... but if i dun, i dun real bad... hmm... who am i? am i a nice person, or someone who pretended to be nice jus to avoid those guilts that i get aftermath? who am i?! hmm...

see.. i am losing myself again.. omg! hmm... well... guess anything, everything, jus gotta accept myself for who i am.. well... suddenly rmb this phrase which i learn from tv... one must love himself for if the rest of the world doesn't, there is still one person who loves him... so.. i mus love myself! haha... but seriously, if it's vice versa, i wun wanna it... so wad if ppl loves u? if u dun love urself, u'll be v v v v v v sad... wad a torture~! hmm... jus gonna stay happy.. where's that carefree me?! dead? i think so... now i am a worrier.. dumb one... sian~

if ur school work collapses, you can always retake.
if ur business fails, you can always re-try.
but if u fail ur life, there's never a 2nd time.

so play hard when young, work hard in middle age and relax hard when old... no more turning back... my greatest regret in my life till now... is not having to enjoy myself to the fullest in those uniform days..

cheers